The Art of an Authentic Apology

Blogger Cynthia Morton writes, "An insincere apology can be almost as much of an insult as the upsetting event.   If you don't mean it, don't say it is how many of us feel when it comes to hearing the words 'I'm sorry'."  Is there really an art to it? I will answer a resounding Yes. If not an art, at least a methodology.  

So, how does one apologize? 

First, we need to take ownership of the apology. An apology uses I language.
Correct: I am sorry I ...
Incorrect: I am sorry you...

It is appropriate to say I am sorry that my explanation was not clear. It is not appropriate to say I am sorry you were confused. First of all, we don't know the other is confused unless we are told so. It is not appropriate to project our feelings on another person. If I am the one who wrote the the confusing explanation, then I need to take responsibility for it. In other words, do not blame someone else for what you did incorrectly.

Second, never call someone names during an apology. Better yet, never call someone a name. We are all clear that saying, "Xxxxx is a loser" or "Xxxxx is an idiot" is name calling. One can lessen the impact by taking ownship of the opinion, "I think Xxxxx is an idiot." However, that kind of name calling is still inappropriate.
Correct: After rereading my comment, I see how it could it raise all sorts of questions.
Incorrect: You are confused.

Third, do not project thoughts or feelings on another person. We don't know how that person thinks or feels unless that message is communicated to us.
Correct: Thank you for your question. I'm happy to explain what I meant by my earlier comment.
Incorrect: You are reading far too much into my comment. 

Fourth, ask what can be done to apologize. The person may want something specific or nothing at all. However, try referring back to what the other person originally requested. That may still be all the person really wants.
Correct: I'm sorry. What can I do to make this up to you?
Incorrect: I'm sorry I hurt your feelings. Let me tell everyone how sorry I am.

All in all, it does not take much to say one is sorry. The point is to say it, mean it, and try not to make the original issue any worse by adding additional insults through placing the blame on the other party, name calling, and incorrectly interpreting thoughts or feelings.